To be honest I didn't have a better name for this subject, so I decided to just go with that. And that's most likely what we all feel about love.. We don't really know how to deal with it, and I can guess we all have our own ways of going about it hoping whatever it is will work out. There is not really manual for it either. Just ride those waves and hope you don't slam into the door entering the void on the opposite side of said matter. Though having a curse cast on me 16++ years ago (Quite silly story. I'll rant about that another time), I tend to get along quite fine with that void.
And it's all dreadfully confusing. "Love is the child of illusion, and the parent of disillusion", a quote from Miguel de Unamuno, a friend of mine used to recite to me on occations. This quite stuck with me through my teens and to this day.
And I am still trying to figure it out somehow.. there must be some additional pieces missing. Perhaps none are missing, or all of them. There might not even be a piece to be missed either..
What I do know in my own perspective is that it's a great source of so much happiness, and an equal amount of dread. It's the bright light that shines so bright it blinds us, and casts a great shadow that eventually swallows us whole. It's the incredible feeling of intoxication by your own mind fueled by a grand emotional flurry aimed at another being. And it's when this feeling strikes me that one of the only ways I can cope with it, is by immortalising and constricting it onto a canvas. It's also a way for me to fuel the misery that I often associate with falling in love.. By letting it rain down and vent out, thus hopefully fading, making the void a less horrible place to succumb to. And as I posted last week, that darkness is a valuable source of inspiration. Once you're able to work with it at least.
As I have added, the pictures in this post was inspired by love, and some precious individuals whom touched me through the years.
The most recent work (portrait above), was finished this Saturday. It's a portrait of Caitin Stickles whom I recently came across online through a video a friend of mine shared. I was immediately stricken. My breath lost, my mind scrambled, heart pounding like the drummer from Nile. An absolute beauty I instantly felt the urge to capture on canvas. When I look at her images my mind is at ease, and I am always really happy when she writes back to me. A true inspiration, a kind spirit and beautiful beyond <3
When I paint such imagery, I feel truly in love. If so for a moment. And then I paint again, falling into dreams of romance and vivid colours.
I do often dread falling in love, and especially the past years oddly enough. I enjoy the moments for a bit, and hope it passes. Like depression it's just as suffocating.. and even more frustrating and chaotic, and thus I try to wish avoiding it. Ironically I consider myself a most hopeless romantic, this because there is no "off" switch. I can hide it, but it just keeps burning. Like glowing coals. But like everything else it fades.. And yet for the bitterness, for that moment I'm with a special someone, my misery is completely overshadowed. Never gone, just covered for the time being by the illusion that everything is just fine. And yes this might be ramblings from a fairly lonely being (myself), but the quest for happiness is best ventured on our own, before sharing it with those we love <3
Well.. or so I think.. I think..
(The oldest drawing I could find. This is from 2002/2003 I think. I don't have much of these works around, mostly because they were gifted away as tokens of my love towards whomever it was at the time being.. these days I think it's a way for me to deal with the frustrations. Fun fact about this picture: I only saw this girl IRL once. At a Cafe in Kingston when I lived there in 2012. We were online sweethearts about ten years previous to that... and we did not say hi to each other. Just looked at each other for a second, and went back to reality.)