(Photography by Asia Wojtalik, 2012?)
Just turned on my computer again after planning on heading to bed early, as I realized that I perhaps should just write something down instead of not being able to sleep, thinking I should write something. At least here is a blog post on time, albeit most likely just full of moody nonsense if any at all. And yes pictures too.
I feel hollow.. something I think I have been writing for a bit now. I have had a weekend out of the studio/workspace, in order to relax, but I find myself restless instead, wanting to paint, so I continued on cosplay projects instead at home. I also tried playing computer games again, but I tend to play for 15-30min before feeling like I want to do something more creative or organize something. It's strange though as I really love to play games, but I can't find the energy or drive to do so these days.
(Photography by Håvard Halvorsen, 2009 <3 https://www.facebook.com/DigiKillPhotography/)
Managed haul myself out of the house yesterday. First off to a little birthday gathering, before heading off to see my dear friend and head off to a gig at a really cool punk collective place. The headliner for the gig was Joe Buck Yourself from the US, and it was amazing.
After the gig I headed to the synth/goth night club event in central Oslo, but I couldn't find the energy to stay for long, so sorry for bailing. I just seem to prefer being in my own bubbles, maybe it will change again soon.. I hope so. I just have to finish up some things first, and get the hell out from where I am now.
I'm looking at my boxes of things packed down for moving again, I open them and go through them to downsize on my belongings. Some items are losing their worth to me, and some feel more valuable. I guess that's how it goes for everyone. Having less crap to haul around eases the mind. This is also a bit odd as I experienced a rage attack this weekend as well (I'm really happy I was alone in the apartment.. I hope).. and it seems like most of my patience has run dry. I find myself in more mood swings, forgetting to eat on time, losing myself more, and all in all just wishing to be alone and paint more. It feels like it's the one thing I have left within myself that matters. I am having problems sitting down to write lyric material for Batboner as well, so I hope I can find the drive to turn all of this frustration into song, and not just ramblings in a blog. There is a lot I want to get out in lyrical form, which I just can't get out now.
Writing here, does help a bit with that.
Heading to my home town by the end of the month, before heading to Worldcon in Helsinki in August. Getting away from here is most welcome now. I desperately need a change of scenery.
(Photography by Peter Forsund, 2010?)
So yeah.. I'm not sorry for my ramblings. This is why I have this space.
I'm sad, and I will most likely continue to be so for a good while. I feel exhausted, restless, like I need to keep on pushing myself as I am never good enough, I feel heartbroken over and over and over again, I feel miserably alone, yet I want to be left alone. I can't cope much with this and that and things and stuff that's happening and so on. I appreciate invitations to things like a crazy lot, even if I will most likely not show up. And if I do, it's because it was convenient, or my brain told me that I had 30 seconds all of a sudden to feel like going out would be nice. I want to fall asleep and never wake up, but I have too many things that I want to do.
I just need to cruise this chaos. I also need to collect all the marbles I lost, and I lost all of them it seems..
I'll be fine though, so there is never a need to worry really.
(Photography by Håvard Halvorsen, 2013<3 https://www.facebook.com/DigiKillPhotography/)